Moving on

This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be and was never mine to begin with.

You know i have never really understood what happened between us, how and why we came to this, not seeing each other for months at a time, barely talking , barely even on speaking terms.But then again, was there ever an us to begin with? We were just friends who kidded about having a relationship. It made us laugh to see each others reactions every time we’d tell them we’ve gotten together and that we call each other.

You always referred me as a to be husband but we both know there is really nothing to it , or at least that was what we owed up to the rest of the world. Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there.

We started spending a lot of time together, talking, eating, we would always choose to closely sit next to each other with your hand on my lap, we would hold hands and be very affectionate with each other , we even had private jokes that we didn’t want to explain or share with anyone else and every moment we spent together was fun even if we weren’t doing anything at all.

Friends says that there is this tenderness with which we look at each other, a twinkle in our eyes and a soft smile on our lips that held so much promise, but what we had was never formalized, no words were spoken, nothing clarified nor explicitly admitted. We were playing mind games practically all the way. I never knew if you loved me back , i never asked. At first it was because I truly believed there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary that needed questioning, and when it finally dawned on me, it wads too late. You seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. Suddenly it was as if we didn’t know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn’t want to. And no matter what I say, Everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence, to just give you the space you’re seeking for.

But though i may not have said anything, I loved you with all my heart and love you still, but I’m tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment, of loving memories that are special only to me. Thank you for everything, for taking away my insecurities, for showing me that people do love me for who I am, for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn’t necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, its possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far, that the moment you love someone you have given her the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. Thank you for accepting me and allowing me enough room to grow a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you, for the silly and the serious moment, for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the time, for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I have become, for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it was so ambiguous and so fleeting I was hardly conscious about it.

I am sorry things had to come to this, I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you after all, and I wasn’t supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend either. But even if everything got so painful, I am still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I have heard people say that while some good things never last others don’t even start. I guess that fits us exactly, we could have been good together, good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began. I ma letting you go, I am letting us go. I have finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that i should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn’t with each other.

I must admit you probably wont be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret, But I am okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I do concentrate on healing my self , on making myself complete on my own, so that when the right one finally comes, i will be able to give myself to her as i would have wanted to give myself to you.

From right this moment I only know that you are a name of my friend’s elder sister whom i neither saw nor met. Wherever life lead us from here.. good luck!